I often have a hard time comping up with posts for this blog. Often it seems as if I have nothing more to say on the subject. I apologize for going so long without a real post.
I visited my mother this weekend and she asked if I was writing. Mom has always been one of my biggest supporters in my writing. When I was younger, still living with mom and dad, mom always said that she would one day write a book about being married to a gay man. When it became clear that she was never going to do that she told me it was my responsibility to tell her story. This was usually said in jest however. Or as a threat depending on if my dad was around and they were getting along. Dad had no problem with me writing a tell-all but wanted me to wait until he had passed away.
When my mom asked me about my writing I mentioned that I had finished a book of stories about growing up in our house. I told it was pretty humorous. She didn’t believe me at first. She asked me if I had written a piece of fiction since there were no funny stories in our life.
I then went on to remind her of all the funny stuff that indeed did happen. It made for a really nice visit actually, something that usually isn’t all that fun. We enjoyed talking about all the absurd, bizarre, strange and hilarious things that happened. Mom then asked me if I wrote about dad being gay. I said I had but it wasn’t the focus of the book. This seemed to surprise her. We went on to talk about other things but I got to thinking about her focus on my father’s homosexuality.
When I first started writing the book the focus was on his homosexuality. As I rethought, rewrote and blogged that focus changed. Time probably had something to do with my shift as well. The fact that my dad was gay does not define me anymore. It did at one time and I think it still does my mother but it is simply a small piece of the fabric of my life. One I wouldn’t trade either. But it doesn’t make me who I am. It certainly contributes but it is not everything about me.
I wonder about the straight spouses who find out their beloved is gay or lesbian. Does that suddenly push everything about them, their achievements, character, sense of humor, everything that has previously defined them, does it erase that? Even if just for a while?
The fact that my dad was gay was always the gorilla in the corner, or is that elephant? It was there, everyone knew it was there but we didn’t acknowledge it. Secrecy was something we, as a family, practiced daily. I never saw the hypocrisy in that.
My parents raised me to tell the truth. I am a horrible liar. I blush and blink and choke over the words coming out of my mouth if they aren’t true. I never thought to myself that since mom and dad are lying then it is ok if I do too. I never actually thought of them as being deceitful.
I don’t need to lie about it anymore. I don’t feel ashamed anymore. While it is certainly liberating it makes it tough to put up a post.
Great post. Worth the wait.
“Does that suddenly push everything about them, their achievements, character, sense of humor, everything that has previously defined them, does it erase that?”
There was so much going on when I came out to myself that I tend to doubt that my being a lesbian had any major impact on how he looked at me. The marriage had taken a bad turn when he had his psychotic break and it just went downhill quickly from there.
I don’t even think it upset him that much. (Not that it bothers me.) I mean, his first relationship after me, when it ended he stalked her online and in person so that break-up obviously impacted him more.
Jen:
there is a time to stop blogging and get on with something else. Maybe this is a still, small voice saying it’s time to write something else.
Good luck to you, no matter what you decide.
T@C
There are secrets big and small in all families that are ignored. Some are minor some are cataclysmic – hence big and small. I, obviously am NOT a writer.
Your mother is of a differnt generation and I suspect that when it was your love rather than your parent it would have a more lasting impact. I don’t know though..that is, as you know, your tale to tell.
I also have always wondered how the spouse felt. I guess your not able to write your mother’s story.
It’s funny that KipTip is advertising on your blog. This guy is actually writing about being gay is a disease on his blog, My Best Friend Is Gay! How Do I Fix Him? … … Paradox.
Lola, it must have had some effect but maybe he is more confidant about his own sexuality. Be glad he doesn’t stalk you, that’s a pain.
Troll, I don’t think I will stop blogging, certainly not on my other blogs as they are fun to write. I just don’t know what direction to take this one in. Maybe a break would be good.
Pricilla, I don’t think I explained myself very well. My mother is not physically able to write the story. I think she still wants to tell it but as you pointed out her experience is very different from mine.
NAM, I can’t tell her story but I can tell the story I know and that includes her. And maybe telling it (and her reading it) from my perspective will allow her some acceptance, which I think she has done actually. Since my dad died we all have gotten rid of a lot of useless anger.
Anon, I hadn’t noticed and when I look I can’t see it. If I see it I will remove it. Thanks for pointing that out.
I know when my own parents got divorced, it seemed to define my mom for a really long time. I wonder if there’s a framework that someone defines themselves inside, and when it alters so drastically, for some people it’s almost impossible to create a new framework, the trauma is so great from the first one breaking?
That’s just speculation, but I do wonder sometimes why some people can’t seem to define themselves beyond a certain picture, no matter how much things have changed. I wonder if we all have that kind of break point somewhere in our psyche, but most of us don’t hit it.
Or I could be absolutely dead wrong.
Great post. I will buy and read your book when it comes out.
If you want to define yourself as “gay,” then I do not feel you need to apologize for it. I am deaf, and I write/blog a bit about it sometimes.
My father is also deaf and I grew up in his shadow, the “deaf boy of the deaf man.” I wore hearing aids in both ears as a child (though I hated them) and hated to be labeled a, “handicapped boy” because of my hearing aids.
As a child, I had speech therapy because I could not hear all the sounds I heard other people make when they spoke, and I had trouble hearing my own voice and people would define me as the “handicapped boy with a slight speech impediment” (I had trouble saying “S’s” and “R’s”).
For a long time, I was defined as a “deaf boy” with too many negative connotations, and it affected me profoundly.
I am older now and have near-flawless speech. I have many, many tattoos that symbolize some of my successes and struggles in life. I am known as an avid skateboarder and snowboarder, too. And I am a decent writer, too. I also hang out in many Mixed Martial Arts (MMA) circles because I spent a good part of my life fighting – sometimes in ghettos, and sometimes at school.
I am Paotie.
I will never apologize for being me.
You shouldn’t either.
Paotie
As a gay father, I understand where you are coming from. But just because your father is gay, your whole world doesn’t evolve around gay and lesbian issues only. Write about what happens to you and then throw in an assessment every now and then on how having a gay father did or did not effect the way you handled the situation.
Anyway, I went two weeks without a post. It happens. No biggie…
Phyl, I think you hit the nail on the head. At least it sounds right to me. And possibly what leads a straight spouse to marry a gay one, even though a lot are unaware of the spouses homosexuality some say later they “kinda” knew all along, might be why they needed to be defined in the first place.
Paotie, so it seems you have gotten past that break point that Phyl was talking about, though obviously it affected you at some point. Maybe we all define ourselves by our parents, and I am sure we do, must of us just get beyond it before they are 43 years old. I have read you blog and it is a good one.
Preston, you are absolutley right, I’m not really involved with any of these issues, and I wasn’t when my father was alive. If anything I am more now but still not enough to wrap a whole blog around and I never wanted to be an activist blog. I have other blogs where I write about my day to day life, and I am spending a lot more time on them as I get much more of a response from readers on those, plus I market it a lot more. I try to keep the theme her on the gay issues but I’m not knowledgeable enough about a lot of the issues. I throw my opinion out there a lot but it still isn’t really very well informed. You can read about my life at Redheadranting.blogspot.com if you haven’t already found it.
Jen, I wish I could give you a hug for the gift of your talent and because it is a challenge to write about hard things.
Of course your dad’s sexuality doesn’t define you. But it is part of what made you who you are today. I am so glad you are writing about it. The help and hope your writing can bring to others is beautiful.
Thank you! Keep writing, keep inspiring, keep us laughing!
jen,
it just sounds like your ready to move on, that all your thoughts and feelings are now in perspective. I love this blog, it serves a purpose, especially with more and more gays and lesbians starting families of their own. I guess you can say you are ahead of the times having BTDT.
this blog serves a purpose, and will continue to serve a purpose even if nothing is added.
you done good…(insert smiley face)
I can’t wait to read the book!!
So, I finally got you added to the blogroll over at the new From Huskies to Husbands site at http://fromhuskiestohusbands.blogspot.com
Sorry it took so long